My grandma got the test results back on Thursday.... the news is not good. Her cancer is stage 4. I found out yesterday that the doctors gave her 4 months to live if she does not chose to do the chemo. She told me that she is looking forward to starting chemo. The chemo is not to get rid of the cancer, it is just to help stop the growth. She has cancer on liver and on the lymph nodes around her organs. Because it is so advanced, there is really nothing the doctors can do to get rid of it.
The good news, she is so strong and a very stubborn German that usually what she says goes. She says that she will still be around for another 2 to 3 years, so that is what I am hoping on. :o) I am trying to stay positive for her, but that is so much easier said than done. Today was a much better day than Thursday and Friday, so hopefully all the crying is out of my system.
I want to say thank you so very much to all my friends and family who have prayed for my grandma. It means the world to me. If it wasn't for my support system here at home, I would be so lost and possible heavily sedated because I had gone crazy! I am so blessed in so many ways and I just wanted to say "Thank you!"
Well, that's about it... as for me, I am going to get ready for my Christmas party and do a serious attitude check! :o) 'Tis the season for faith, love and happiness!
My Beliefs...
That first word makes it so difficult... Do I, myself, have beliefs of my own? With everything happening with my grandma lately, I have been thinking a lot. I don't know why I believe in what I believe. I know that I was raised Christian, I was raised to love and honor God, but if someone were to come up to me and ask me to explain to them what I believe and why, I would not know what to say. I do not have anything to support my beliefs... I am in no way saying that I no longer believe in God, but I don't know why I do. I have gone to church most of my life, but I can honestly say that I have not learned much.
I have always been told that God works in mysterious ways, and that he always answers your prayers, but it may not be the answer you were looking for. But why? Why does life have to be so damn hard at times? Why do good people, whom have not hurt a single soul in their entire lives and whom have worshiped and honored the Lord their entire lives have to suffer so much? Stepping aside from my grandma's situation -- Crack whores are known to pop out babies left and right. They want nothing to do with them, the poor babies are born addicted to drugs, yet they still have kids all the freaking time! Then there is a loving couple that believe fully in the Lord and his ways and they lose two in a row. One a miscarriage and another they get to hold their child just to lose him a few minutes later. I just don't understand. I am sure that if I look a little deeper the answer is right in front of my face, but right now, in my confused state I see nothing, and it is making me more confused about what I believe.
If anyone can shed some light, it would be greatly appreciated. I am just so mixed up with so many emotions that my thought process is fogged. I think I should spend some time researching the beliefs I was raised on... Maybe that will help some.
can⋅cer
any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively; blightEvil is right... I hear the word cancer and tears just stream down my face. I know that there are so many survival stories on different types of cancer but the word still scares me. I figure I am now in a much better state to write/talk about this subject than I was a few weeks back when that word made me so depressed that I could only cry.
A few weeks ago I found out that my grandma was going to the hospital for tests... there was something wrong with her liver. She was very jaundice, so sick and in so much pain... When test results came in, everything pointed to cancer. Now, she has to play the waiting game on the most recent test and that is to see what stage the cancer is. This is where I freak out and still lose it.
My grandma has been there for me pretty much my whole life. I lived with her from the age 5 until 16... We have definitely had our ups and downs, but who hasn't with their parents?! She is such a strong willed, stubborn German! I have seen a weak part of her lately that I never thought existed. I never thought my grandma could be week. She is in so much pain and I wish there was something I could do to take it away from her.
My biggest fear right now is that this cancer is too far advanced... I have been praying every night for her to have a good day, for her to not hurt so she can enjoy herself and for this cancer to be a stage one so it can be operated on and hopefully she can be pain free once again... but there is something deep down that is telling me not to get my hopes up too high... I am not liking this feeling. I am trying so hard to stay positive and think nothing but good, happy thoughts, but this feeling just will not go away. I have no idea what I will do if I lost her so soon... We are finally at a time in our lives where we are two adults that can hold civil conversations... I am more than willing to learn from her and now I feel like I am just going to lose that over night. Its like a punishment for not always listening to her even though I knew she was right.
There is so much going thru my head its almost annoying. One thought leads to another. I have so much doubt that I don't even know where to start to assure myself that everything will be okay, that everything happens for a reason. I am being so selfish when I think that I don't want to lose her right now. I have no clue how she really feels... I just know that I am not ready to lose someone so close.
I am going to start babbling on and on and probably stop making any kind of sense, so I am going to stop this subject for now... I will write more when test results come back which should be mid week. In the mean time... I will continue to pray.
**Just a quick side note -- for those who may be reading this... I have a very hard time talking about touchy subjects. It is so much easier to write things down because even if I start crying like a little baby, I can still finish my thoughts... So, if I have not disclosed some of my feelings it is because I don't think I would be able to actually get the words out... I hope everyone understands.**
It has been a while since I have written and I have a lot on my mind! I have decided that I am going to just label everything so whom ever may want to read can pick and choose! :o)
Over Thanksgiving, Jeremy and I went to Washington to see my mom! It was great fun! The weather was perfect on Wednesday (the second full day we were there) so we took the Ferry from Port Orchard to Bremerton, then from Bremerton to Seattle. We walked around Pike Place Market for a bit, then headed up to the monorail. From there we went to the Space Needle. It was absolutely amazing!!! All the water and mountains! I had such a great time with Jeremy and my mom.
Jeremy got some really good pictures! He is having fun with his new toy! :o)
I miss my mom and Washington so much... Hopefully we can make it back up there soon. There is so much to do there. As long as I don't have to drive with the crazy Washington drivers, I am okay! I quite enjoy being the passenger. :o)
I think that is about it as far as Washington goes... I had such a wonderful time and it was so great to finally spend a holiday with my mom!
Sunday was a wonderful day as well! For my birthday, Jeremy surprised me with a day off so we went to Manitou Springs and went to Olde Tyme Photography and got our pictures done! It was awesome. We then went out to lunch and then came home and hung out for a while! I couldn't ask for a better day or weekend!
Well... its about that time! ;-) I shall write more later!
I had a very good conversation with my new cousin. She opened up my eyes to a lot of stuff going on with Jeremy's side of the family. I am hoping we can start over with a fresh slate and begin good strong relationships. My goal (on top of becoming healthier) is to keep lines of communication open with all my family and friends. I seem to drop off the face of the earth when I get into my unpleasant moods and I was doing that because I do not want to burden anyone with my petty problems. Well, after talking to my mom-in-law, I now see that it was just hurting those that care. So... haha! now everyone will be subject to my upsetting moments! ;-)
I am going to talk to Jeremy tonight and see if we can come to some agreement about having family nights so we don't lose contact any more. I am hoping for a strong family bond and open communication so no one is walking on egg shells. I have felt pretty crappy about not talking to anyone on his side of the family for a while now... I finally opened up my eyes, thanks to some information given to me, and did something about my crappy feelings.
On a happier note... My grandma will be 74 years young tomorrow! I am going to see her tomorrow and just talk with her. She is such an amazing woman! I cannot wait to spend time with her!
Although it has been a very emotional night for me, I am in good spirits that all the bad will be turned around and changed to good. We learn from our mistakes, right?! Tomorrow will be a great day and I plan on nothing but positive attitude from me. ;-)
So I am not sure what to do... I have been with American Family for 5 years and I am just not happy. I am very comfortable, but not happy. The past couple weeks I have been tossing around the idea of looking for something different, but to be completely honest, I am scared to death to leave my "comfort zone". I have no benefits with American Family. I am allotted 2 weeks vacation and 5 sick days (all have guilt trips included for taking time off) We have 5 days holiday pay (not too bad, but it is half from what I started with). The good part about working there is my pay. I am making pretty good money, but I know I could be making more somewhere else. I just don't know what to do. I feel if I leave, I am letting everyone at the office down, but is it really worth my happiness? Yeah, I will feel like crap for a while by leaving. I know I will be thinking about the insureds I always work with, there are some that I would hate to lose contact with, but again, is it worth my happiness?
The other place I have been looking at is Progressive Insurance. As much as I would hate to stay in insurance, its what I know, and what I am good at. (I like to tell myself anyway!) They offer competitive pay, 401K, insurance, the benefits look to be endless!! One of my really good friends works for the company, and she likes it there. The only draw back is, its a call center. I hate the phones! As long as I don't have to do cold calls I should be okay, but I am not sure if it the money and benefits would be worth it... *sigh*
My dream job / career would be working with kids. I want so bad to get my foot in the door to becoming a teacher. I want so bad to go to school and work with kids. I know it would not be all fun, there is still the parents that would raise a stink about this or that, I think I would be very happy working with kiddos!
Ugh, this growing up stuff is no fun! I could go on and on for hours, even days, about why I should stay where I am at and why I should leave and so on... I am just going pray that some major sign comes about as far as what I should do. Right now I am so mixed with emotions, I am tempted to write my boss an email! (that would be bad! very very bad! -- I need to at least wait until after my birthday lunch!) (haha)
Well, I am going to continue to think about all my options and try to stay calm at work. :o) 'Till next time!
So I have decided that I am heading down the wrong road again as far as my health is concerned. I have gained weight since the wedding and I am lazy, and overall not happy with myself. I need to start making changes again, the question to myself, however, is what change can I stick with? I have lots of great ideas floating around my head, but none of them I have been able to stick with or even start. I need to figure something out and quick. Jeremy had mentioned joining a gym again. I know when I was going to the gym religiously thats when I dropped the pounds before... So that may be what I need. I am just so good at making excuses for not going. The gym is such a great place especially because it helps relieve stress. Now that I have "talked" this out with myself, that just may be the one thing that will get me back on track. I want to feel great about myself again... I want to be confident in myself again. I just want and need a change!
Step one in my health quest: I am going to try to get back on spark people again and start logging in my food and join in on the chats and look for support if I feel like I need it.
Step two in my health quest: I am going to start eating smaller portions again, eat healthier, and leave the chocolate for my love! ;o)
Step three in my health quest: I need a major attitude change. Positive talk and thoughts from now on. I need to look in that mirror every day and tell myself that I am on the right track, that this is a life style change and it is for the best!
I can do this! Lots of support will be great and a gym membership will be very helpful I believe (since there is no room in our house for a "home gym") So..... here I go! I am going to do updates at least once a week, I think. That way my progress is out there floating in cyberspace! ;o)
Yesterday I played hookie and I had a wonderful time! Jeremy and I went to the Garden of the Gods, took Rampart Range Road and began our journey of looking at all the beautiful colors the trees turn! I have never been on such a beautiful drive! We took Rampart Range Road to the Rampart Reservoir and then headed to Woodland Park. From Woodland Park we went to Cripple Creek, and OH MY GOODNESS! I was so amazed by the colors! It was just beautiful!!! Yesterday was so wonderful! I loved spending the full afternoon with Jeremy, I fell in love with him all over again! I didn't want to go to work today, I wanted to spend another day with him.
Today I am looking for tickets so Jeremy and I can go to Washington state to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I am so excited! I did not get to spend any time with her when she came down for the wedding so I am really looking forward to spending a week with her! Jeremy is hoping to have his fancy Canon (I think) so he can start taking good pictures. I cannot wait to see him get super excited about a new toy! Thats always fun to watch!
Well, I am going to call it quits now... it's time to figure out what to make for dinner...
I just dropped Billy off at his bridge (aka his place of residence). Today went well. I picked him up around 2, came back to my place, he ate more food than I have ever seen him eat, he went down to the crawl space and found a bunch of his clothes, he took a shower and we talked for a while. In a way I think he enjoys being out on the streets... Its not as bad as I thought. He is able to eat 3 meals a day and he still has clothes on his back so as long as he does not cross the wrong people he is okay. He is still on drugs and still drinks so it is very obvious that he is not wanting to change his lifestyle. We never filled out applications like he said he needed help with... Just another way to get me to pick him up and for him to eat a good home cooked meal I guess. He did not ask for anything until I dropped him off... He asked if I had a couple dollars and with out thinking, I told him NO. He mumbled that he needed cigarettes and I looked at him and told him to find a job.
I have decided to start a journal online... if anyone reads this, advise is always welcome! If no one reads this, oh well, at least my thoughts and troubles are out there!
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