Things that make us go hmmm...

can⋅cer

any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively; blight

Evil is right... I hear the word cancer and tears just stream down my face. I know that there are so many survival stories on different types of cancer but the word still scares me. I figure I am now in a much better state to write/talk about this subject than I was a few weeks back when that word made me so depressed that I could only cry.

A few weeks ago I found out that my grandma was going to the hospital for tests... there was something wrong with her liver. She was very jaundice, so sick and in so much pain... When test results came in, everything pointed to cancer. Now, she has to play the waiting game on the most recent test and that is to see what stage the cancer is. This is where I freak out and still lose it.

My grandma has been there for me pretty much my whole life. I lived with her from the age 5 until 16... We have definitely had our ups and downs, but who hasn't with their parents?! She is such a strong willed, stubborn German! I have seen a weak part of her lately that I never thought existed. I never thought my grandma could be week. She is in so much pain and I wish there was something I could do to take it away from her.

My biggest fear right now is that this cancer is too far advanced... I have been praying every night for her to have a good day, for her to not hurt so she can enjoy herself and for this cancer to be a stage one so it can be operated on and hopefully she can be pain free once again... but there is something deep down that is telling me not to get my hopes up too high... I am not liking this feeling. I am trying so hard to stay positive and think nothing but good, happy thoughts, but this feeling just will not go away. I have no idea what I will do if I lost her so soon... We are finally at a time in our lives where we are two adults that can hold civil conversations... I am more than willing to learn from her and now I feel like I am just going to lose that over night. Its like a punishment for not always listening to her even though I knew she was right.

There is so much going thru my head its almost annoying. One thought leads to another. I have so much doubt that I don't even know where to start to assure myself that everything will be okay, that everything happens for a reason. I am being so selfish when I think that I don't want to lose her right now. I have no clue how she really feels... I just know that I am not ready to lose someone so close.

I am going to start babbling on and on and probably stop making any kind of sense, so I am going to stop this subject for now... I will write more when test results come back which should be mid week. In the mean time... I will continue to pray.

**Just a quick side note -- for those who may be reading this... I have a very hard time talking about touchy subjects. It is so much easier to write things down because even if I start crying like a little baby, I can still finish my thoughts... So, if I have not disclosed some of my feelings it is because I don't think I would be able to actually get the words out... I hope everyone understands.**